Zorn & Thorn Do Alexandria
by Carbuncle
Summary: Zorn & Thorn try their hands at stand-up comedy down at the local tavern.


FINAL FANTASY IX  
  
Zorn & Thorn Do Alexandria  
  
"The most wonderful thing about being Queen of Alexandria is the quiet and respect I receive..." Queen Garnet said.  
  
"Your Majesty, Zorn and Thorn request a word," Lady Beatrix said, as she approached the young Queen.  
  
"Zorn and Thorn?" Garnet said. "Aren't they dead?"  
  
"It would appear not, Your Majesty," Beatrix said.  
  
"Well, never mind. Send them in."  
  
Lady Beatrix left the royal chamber and returned with the two annoying jesters, Zorn and Thorn.  
  
"Good day, Your Majesty!" Zorn said.  
  
"Your Majesty, good day!" Thorn said.  
  
"Zorn, Thorn, what do you want?" Garnet said.  
  
"To make a suggestion, Your Majesty," Thorn said.  
  
"A money making scheme, we have!" Zorn said.  
  
"What kind of scheme?" Garnet asked.  
  
"We have noticed that the people of this fair town are far too miserable," Zorn said.  
  
"An idea we have, to make their lives better!" Thorn said.  
  
"I shall like to hear your idea. Please continue."  
  
"We want to become stand up comedians!" Thorn said.  
  
"Stand up comedians, we want to become!" Zorn said.  
  
"Well, I see no problem with that. I'll inform the local tavern and you can both go down tonight and give it a shot, okay?"  
  
"Yes, Queen Garnet!" They both nodded their heads in agreement.  
  
And so, that evening, Zorn and Thorn went down to the tavern to perform their sketch. A lot of people had gathered there to watch them make total fools of themselves, including Zidane, Garnet, Steiner and Vivi.  
  
"Hey, Rusty, can you get me another beer?" Zidane said.  
  
"Get it yourself, young peasant!" Steiner said.  
  
"Hey, I'm gonna be the King of this town soon, Rusty, and when I am I'm gonna make you suffer! You're gonna be givin' me backrubs for the next fourty years, if you don't shape up!"  
  
"One beer, you say? I'm right on it!" Steiner got up and walked over to the bar.  
  
"How're your kids these days, Vivi?" Zidane said.  
  
"Th... They're fine. Th... They're quite a handful at times, but I love them all the same," Vivi said.  
  
"That's great!" Zidane said. "Oh, look! The show is about to start!"  
  
Everyone glanced over at the stage, where Zorn and Thorn were standing.  
  
"Woo! Take 'em off!" Zidane said.  
  
"Uh, Zidane, this isn't a strip show," Vivi said.  
  
"It isn't?"  
  
"Y... Yeah, and why would you want to see Zorn and Thorn take their clothes off anyway?"  
  
"No comment," Zidane said.  
  
"Good evening, Alexandria!" Thorn said.  
  
"Welcome to "The Zorn & Thorn Stand-Up Comedy Hour"!" Zorn said.  
  
"We're not laughin' yet!" Zidane shouted.  
  
"Silence, monkey-boy!" Zorn said.  
  
Some people in the audience laughed.  
  
"Let us talk about the late Queen Brahne for a minute. Never have I ever seen a fatter woman in all my life," Zorn said.  
  
"A fatter woman, I have never seen. I am surprised the castle floors could ever manage to support her weight," Thorn said.  
  
The whole tavern was silent.  
  
"Geez! No respect for the dead, huh?" a member of the audience whispered.  
  
"Now, why did the chocobo cross the river?" Zorn said.  
  
The two jesters stood in silence for the next three minutes waiting for a reply, but none came.  
  
"Uh, because it wanted to meet the female chocobo on the other side!" Thorn eventually spoke up.  
  
Some people in the audience laughed.  
  
"Here is another humorous gag," Zorn said. "How many black mages can you fit into an airship?"  
  
"Well, I do not know," Thorn replied. "How many black mages can you fit into an airship?"  
  
"Seven," Zorn said. "Three in the front, four in the back."  
  
The whole tavern remained silent.  
  
"You two are the crappiest comedians I've ever seen in my entire life!" Zidane howled.  
  
"I say, if that is how you feel then we shall just sit here for the next 90 minutes in complete and utter silence!" Zorn said, as he crossed his arms.  
  
"Yes, no talking from anyone!" Thorn did the same. "Especially monkey-boy!"  
  
"I resent that, you little punk!" Zidane said.  
  
"No talking or else we shall fuse together and kick your dirty behind!" Thorn said.  
  
"Fuse together and kick your dirty behind, we shall!" Zorn said.  
  
"All right, all right! I won't say anything!" Zidane said.  
  
"It seems as though comedy is a bit out of our depth," Zorn said to Thorn.  
  
"A bit out of our depth, you think?" Thorn replied. "Then let us return to the castle and talk about Kuja."  
  
The two jesters made their way off the stage, when suddenly a giant beer keg came flying from the angry audience and killed them.  
  
"Oh my God! They killed Zorn and Thorn!" Garnet screamed.  
  
"You beasts!" Zidane yelled.  
  
"Anyone want another beer?" Steiner said.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
